to be or not to be

In one of the episode of FRIENDS Rachel says to her father over phone,

 Daddy! Daddy listen to me! It’s like all my life everyone’s told me, “You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe! You’re a shoe!” Well, what if I don’t want to be a shoe? What if I wanna be a purse or a hat?”

This is all fine if you were told you were a shoe but you want to be a purse or a hat now. What and why I am confused and worried is what I want to become varies so much. I wish there was a shoe which could be used as a purse and turned into hat as well.But ofcourse you know that would be stupid thing to even think.

The problem with me here is, I want to do everything(well not everything everything but many things). I vividly remember my aim fluctuating from artist,teacher,computer engineer  (I have no idea why I wrote that in my school magazine in grade 10) while I was a teenager.

My bestfriend and I were so much into TLC ( Travel and Living channel which has amazing cooking shows) that we would talk about opening a diner,bakery and blah blah. Nigella, Donna Hay, Jamie, Bobby,Curtis, Kylie and others were our favorites. We could make all the recipes in our imagination and trust me it would taste great. I could explain more about our TLC craze but to sum it all up, we talked food a lot. My best friend wanted a diner which served simple yum food in big portions.Well, for me I wanted to own a cute little FANCY cake shop with all that FANCY cakes (she would do the baking and I would just decorate it, P.S. she makes yum cakes).So, here I end how I want to wear a apron and live in a kitchen happily ever after (well, that sounded like I could end up as a pretty house wife, that might be the case but I meant food business.)

There was time when I was so much into art (well, atleast I thought I was.This  reminded me of something; I supposed that “Arts” faculty was painting wala arts which turned out to be wrong, I hope I didn’t open my mouth and sounded stupid). I remember nagging my dad to buy me crayons, then pencil colors, then water colours,then paste color (paints that came in tubes); I would buy paint brushes,paletes. I was so into exploring my hobby; I would smear thick paints in the white sheet of paper with my bare hands instead of paint brushes to feel that artist in me (LOL), then there was my “black and white-no colors” phase where I would use only charcoal.I bought fancy charcoal pencils and sticks to draw, those charcoals were nasty and deep black but they gave my heart so much light. The most interesting thing you will hear next about how good I am as an artist would be a statement my best friend quoted “Your paintings are so bad but they look so damn good in photographs.So, you should paint and then sell the photographs.” My dad would be the first one to look at my paintings; he would hold it far from his eyes and look at them and say “ramro cha”. Well, I grew up hearing my sister say “tero painting haru tada bata herda matra ramro huncha, najik bata it looks dirty.” To defend myself here – they look good when framed and hanged in wall at good distance.

Computer engineering??? Lets end the story before even beginning.

Teacher. I was so much influenced by my teachers at school that may be I wanted to be one. I am a teacher right now and I love teaching. But I still am in doubt if it is what I want to do for the rest of my life. I know its crazy how in this time of chaos where we are living in a fear of aftershocks and unsure tomorrow, I am worried about what I want to be. I want to be an artist, have a café, be a teacher but I am not trained to be any of these. Ah! I don’t know how I missed one important thing I want to do; A WRITER!!! Yes I want to write some fancy stories or I don’t know what. I have another interesting story about my writing talent. I don’t know why but I got one poem published in school magazine which was written by my sister but but buttttt I had my name on it and I didn’t bother to alter even a single word.I had so much drama going in during my teenage that I wrote too much diaries, which must have pushed me to write.

I will never be able to end my blah blah…you will get trapped into my blah blahs.If I had to use one long sentence what all the above blah blah meant it would be “I want to be something like dough cause I don’t know if I want to be baked into bun or made into plain roti or puri ; even if I become bun or roti or puri at the end I will atleast be made of flour; if I become shoe I can never be a hat or purse (I know you will say “but they are also all made of leather” but that’s different ). I know this all sounds all crazy cause it is.

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