Perfect imperfect

How imperfect I was and how trying to be perfect did me no good.

I still remember the pictures that I drew as I was growing up. They were nothing but imperfect. They had smudges of paints, some amended but most of them not. I didn’t care about it but only thing that mattered was that I was happy in my heart. I would run to my dad and  would show him the drawings that I had made. He always smiled that smile. He would hold it in his hand and put it far away and examine; never did he complain. “Baa:lah baa:lah” – he said.

I had picked charcoal sticks for my still life when I was may be 13 or 14, I don’t think I was good with even pencils. I knew the proportions of the shape of my subjects were right (they were blown out of proportions I guess). It didn’t make sense nor I cared where the light source was and where it fell on the object. I went with my instinct of where should I erase the blackness so as to give more realistic touch to the still life. I still remember me making still life arts like I was some awesome artist. I still remember few; there was one time where I went to roof of my aunt’s house and drew the temple standing in the courtyard, I still remember the moment when I was adding the brick tiles on the roof of the temple.Just seeing black smudges on my fingers and palms would make me feel so artisty.

I made what made me happy. I wrote about little things that mattered to me, drew things that mattered, painted colors my brushes picked. Now that I think of, I am quite not sure what made people happy- Was it my paintings and drawings that made people happy or my excitement?

So if you are wondering where all this jibberness is coming from. I just watched a TED talk and it just changed my whole life I guess(Revolution in my life you can say). It was about how the fact that we want to be perfect hinders what we want to do. For me, I like to write and paint. I used to write but I stopped it. I thought I got the writer’s block (myan, this sounds fancy I know but I wanted to use it for so long). I always hesitate to paint. I feel like I need to give people awesome piece to read or an amazing beautiful picture to see. I forget always to remember about me. The joy I feel deep in my heart like a serene calm sea with little waves slapping the shore. (Not making up but I really feel butterflies in my heart when I am painting or writing, actually I am having them right now as well while I write, with my heart beating to the groovy beats I am listening to.)

My friends and people I know through only face book enjoys what I paint and write (not boasting). They don’t judge me but its sad that I am the greatest judge of me. I don’t write often and I don’t paint much. I say “small things are big things” but did I really have faith in it? NO!!!

Guess What? I am gonna write more now and paint more. More, I am firing the judge in me. So… I hope I will write more and paint moreeeee and have all the fun my heart deserves.


just the beginning

Chapter One
The beginning

“You HAVEeee to come.Please please pleaaseeeeee…pretty please!!! I am already there. I will wait for you.” That was not her request but command. They were not close friends yet; It was after just few meetings along with everyone but she felt comfortable enough to order him to meet.

“Huss. I will be there in a while.” –he replied gently.

She smiled as she smoothly slided her cellphone inside the front pocket of her blue jeans. She didn’t know why but she called him. They had never met alone like that, they were always with two of their other friends. She didn’t even for the slightest moment thought this meeting would be awkward or wait! May be she thought it would be awkward but she so desperately wanted to be at the festival.

Yes! The festival. It was not her first day though. That would be her (their) fifth day being in the same festival, with same people, same food, same everything. She just had to be there for some weird reasons of her only she knew (or even she didn’t know). Ofcourse the festival wouldnot have been affected with or without her presence but it was as if she had taken serious oath to grace her presence every single day.

She bought a box of juice and made herself comfortable on the sidewalk of the street in front of the shop. She didn’t even bother to clean the dirt before sitting there. Suman said he would be there in fifteen minutes. She was not bothered to wait there alone. She watched every stranger that her eyes could follow.She was making sips out of the juice box as if that was the last box on earth… small sips.

A familiar face emerged out amongst the many strange faces. He had that saintly smile on his wide lips that had contaminated his eyes as well. She kept on starring at him until she was startled by his “Hi!.” She must have been thinking why was his “Hi” dipped in sugary syrupy sweet smile. Not to look impolite, she replied “Heellooooo.”
“Did you go Tyagal? They got amazingggggggg live exhibits.” She exclaimed to break the silence. That was a stupid question to ask cause she knew he had not been there as they had been hanging out with same gang since the first day. If she had not been there, simply he also had not.

“That would be great. Lets go.” He was agreeing to everything she would say. He would smile with every reply.
She was like “myannn… you smile a lot. Do you ever like ever get angry??? Don’t you get bothered by people? AT ALLL??? Well… I am so so so short tempered.I don’t know why but I so so so get irritated at little things… but I guess its alrite cause I get calm soon… Ah, don’t you get bored with your work??? You spend so much time with your laptop. Are your eyes fine?Myan, you will soon be needing glasses… Haha…look at that statue…it looks so real.Look at its moustache… Today at work we had this meeting and there was wine for everyone.Myannn it was so good…I just had two glasses… Isnt it weird to have wine party after meeting? And ya! That too during day…my workplace is superweird!!!…Awwhhh look at those pretty lights… someday I ll have same kind of lights covering the sky of my backyard…it would look pretty hai?” Her conversations were jumping from one topic to another more than a crazy frog…as if every words had springs stuck on their feet.

And what he did? Smile! Yes, more smiles. She didn’t give him space to answer her questions neither did she held her breathe to look on her side to see him smiling at her. She just kept on going on and on and some more on. The smile on his lips was slowly sipping inside his throat down to his chest and clutch his heart. Yes! His HEART!!!


As countless hours pass by,

The heart starts singing a new melody

Its red looks more plump and pulsating

That amazing shade of red I adore.

Every second of togetherness,

Each moment of breathing same gust of love,

Makes me want to stare more

And more into your face,

Skim all that face of yours

And see all that love

That- Smiles out of your lips,

Twinkles right through your eyes!

leave you numb

You really think you numbed your heart after those extra dosages of injection filled with heartaches and pain. YOU! Make yourself believe that freaking pointy sharp needle was sharp enough to pierce the heart with hard cardiac muscles that grew strong with every fight it survived. You really think you numbed your heart…You really think you numbed your heart but you were wrong! That same deaden heart comes alive, even with the softest scent of fresh love. Those hefty dosages of medication slowly loses its grip…the heart gets no more drugged.OR, Wait! It gets the taste of new drug and starts getting addicted to another one without knowing its gonna eventually leave the heart numb and sore…It will take some sweet time but the numbness sure will get its way back to your dear heart!

I saw his ghost!

I saw his ghost in the daylight walking in the busy street jammed with people blocking each others’ way. His body covered in a black cloak, I could focus my eyes on his bright face; I kept on staring at him as long he remained visible to my eyes (even few seconds seemed forever to my heart). I saw his ghost ; but the ghost had sensed my presence before I did! His ghost swiftly turned around the corner and disappeared just like a bubble in the air.

The ghost of him was exactly ten steps away from me but I didn’t move fast to cross that nine steps to reach him. I just smiled as even his ghost decided that he was heading wrong direction and just turned around quietly without letting anyone know. My heart remained calm, didn’t throb seeing the ghost…my mind remained rational, didn’t make me do anything crazy (like running to catch the ghost or shout out his name so that everyone would hear except him).

I saw his ghost, just saw his ghost and only saw! After he decided to disappear out of my sight I kept on walking like I never saw his ghost. I turned my back to the place where the ghost melted into thick concrete walls; I didn’t turn my head to look back , I just walked carrying a faint smile in my heart knowing his ghost didn’t scare me anymore!

Chasing Memories

It was me who had been chasing your memories. I had forced my heart to just drown in those memories, I still do that. All those times I lived in those memories making myself believe in my side of the story and feeding myself with all them beautiful dreams. But the dream you made me see shook the castle I built with all those fragile blocks of dear hopes. I saw you in my dreams today after so long… I came running to see you (just like in the movies) then just as my feet became certain that it was you who was standing there by the corner, they suddenly paused… refused to take another step. As if they knew what was right for me, they decided not to help me turn the corner of the long alley I had run to see you (my feet became my best friend… warning me not to go). My head beat the stubbornness of my feet, it just managed to tilt just to look over the wall and then see your face! My heart skipped three beats!…every part of my body froze except the eyes… they memorized your face in a second! After a second my feet got furious and just stormed out of the alley… they were so angry, they kept on running till I ran out of breath. You were just a meter away from me but I couldn’t (didn’t) call, couldn’t (didn’t) touch… only thing I did was ran away from you;how did I run away and not stare at you forever!

we say

“I am a lost soul” – I say

“I will hold your hand” – you say

“I am all heart broken” – I say

“I will let you heal” – you say

“I need time” – I say

“I will just wait here” – you say

“I am really confused” – I say

“I will help you find clues” – you say

“I am hopeless” – I say

“I will love you” – you say

“I am so amazingly insane” – I say

“I will love you more” – you say

“I am scared” – I say

“I am not him” – you say!


When you first said hello,

I didn’t hear your hello, instead

I ate your hello, I swallowed the word without breaking up the syllable, I engulfed the whole word. It should have reached my stomach to complete the normal process but instead it skipped the food pipe and reached my heart. On touching the muscles of my heart, it made my heart beat twice as much as it should have.

When you first rest your head on my shoulder,

I didn’t feel your touch, instead

I took a long breathe in, and collected all the air at that time. I memorized how you smelt, that right amount of faint hypnotizing scent of your cologne. Then I remembered the temperature of that warm sunrays falling on us. Ah! And that fruity scent of your shampoo, remember how you were nervous and were blushing when I mentioned it was a bit girly for a man.

When you smiled at me,

I didn’t see your lips, instead

My eyes were drawn to your eyes, those heavenly pair of eyes. You must think I am crazy when I say I felt the urge to kiss your eyes without you blinking and letting your eyelids get between. I wanted to freeze your smile, let your muscles hurt a bit longer just to hear that loud laughs your eyes were making; they were laughing so much I could clearly see tears already glistening in them.

don’t like stars anymore!

I don’t like the stars anymore! They look ridiculous in the sky, disturbing the pitch darkness of night sky. Ah and about the moon! I find it more disturbing, it changes its shape every night, darn the moon! Not knowing which shape it wants to be in (just like your heart I guess, changing constantly; in a pattern I can trace). You know how much I fancied the permanent white twinkly dots spread all over the black blanket like white pearls (I know pearls don’t shine as much as diamonds do but I like pearls, they are pure white all the time. Diamonds! They change colors; sometimes they are full of so many colors at once, it confuses me just like you do.)

I force myself to look at the stars (I cannot stare at them anymore, it makes me nauseous) just to try and find the peace I felt when I looked at them before. I see the stars, shining silly and less bright; same like my heart, weak and less red! Just as I get done with trying myself to love the stars again, I press my eyelids so as to get over that sight of silly night sky. Every time I see the moon I hear you say “Look at the moon. It’s beautiful.” How I wish I would forget that.

Shooting stars! I can relate them to you just perfectly. One moment I can see you (or think I saw you) and the other moment you are gone in a blink of an eye. One more, wishing on shooting stars and wishing on you is same! Both never comes true.

I am being unreasonable I know, tainting everything and every place with your memory and then cursing them now. I am sorry but I promise you that I will find the moon and the stars beautiful someday again. Someday! I will be able to whisper and smile softly at them just like I used to.

… and then you appeared!!!

You stand right in front of me, flesh and bone but I think that’s my drunken hallucination.
I see yourself but now and again pinch you just to assure I am not dreaming. I hear you laugh then again look around if it is someone else. We walk together in the moonlight;
I see the grey shadows but still turn my head to check if you are with me.