The bones in my body must have all melted up that I am being so lazy to even stand up or even sit straight without surrendering my whole weight to any support. I don’t know how I am even finding any energy to get my laptop from the room and begin typing and mostly do the thinking (even though thinking comes to me so naturally…it comes to me even in my sleep :P) .

Actually, I thought I needed some fresh air (must be wondering needing fresh air gaun ma ni) so I came out of my hiding and resting den. I sat on the chair and then stayed; just stayed quietly. Then I hear and see something and then something hits my mind. I hear a noisy but quiet soothing sound that was being produced. I look up and then I see strong stiff green leaves move like a tail of rattling snake making that tshook tshook tshook tshook… sound. Now that they stopped, I hear the river downhill, chattering and quarrelling with rocks, stones, own current and may be fishes. At distance I hear birds and insects make those noises with different frequencies.

But what lays in front my eyes disappoints me a bit. The green hill has pretty much dried up with just little bit of greenness just for the sake of it. Most of the earth tiers are left to rest, not touched by the farmers until another season. Contrasting this, the fields surrounding the river are back to their business… warming up for the plantation, some all happy and yellow, some green with barley and some hiding the potatoes inside them. Well, all the trees seem to be dusty (may be its because of the light mist coming along with the darkness). Its sad that I cant see those bright bridal red simal trees and some orange creamy simal trees from here.

It’s been almost a year I have been staying at this place. It was hot summer day I was here. I got some hailstones with rain, I scared myself to death with the monstrous lightning, I breathe the most delicious cool wind in hot summer evenings, I walked through the thickest morning fogs I had ever seen, I am living the confused autumn weather these days.

I practically understood the season of here. 🙂

I lay my eyes on the thing and then I was like “WOW!!! Seriously??? Man you are so good.Even more better than I am.(Usually I don’t like much when someone does better than me but right now I am so thrilled that I got second…well third actually).” She was so awesome. The model of solar system she had made was like “O.M.G!!! You did this all for five marks?” I took a pause and looked at the planets. Lemon(shrunk and brown, fresh and yellow), pidalu,tomato, vogatey. Now this is what TFN has been focusing on; i.e “USE OF LOCAL RESOURCES”. She had those planets woven in the cardboard like a beautiful embroidery with those yellow threads.
The next thing that struck my mind was “Girl, you are over-smart!”. She carved the “Pidalu” and made it look like a ring in the Saturn.

A girl and color pink could never be separated. She painted mercury with her shiny pink nail polish.That’s the perk of being a girl.(No offense. I know this statement sounds stereotype)

Then there was another model.The duo of brother and sister had a model which was so wise. For the different colored planet, they had green raw earth tomato, yellowish orange tomato and a ripe red tomato.

I always hesitated to assign them a project work thinking it would be too much for them to get a fancy chartpaper or painting colors too make their work look fancy and nice. All this time I was dodging the chances of letting the students shake the creative corner of their brain just because of my own insecurity.I learnt my lesson 😛 even if it was at the end of the school year.

I just walk silently with my feet. I just watch them take turns.
Left right… left right and then again left.

कहिले रातो त कहिले कालो… धेरै जसो गुलाबी अनि हप्ताको अन्त्यमा blue jeans लगाँउदै हिडिरहन्छन् मेरा खुट्टा। दिनहुँ उकाली ओराली लाग्छन्। कहिले म थाके एकछिन रोकौँ भन्दैनन्। दिनभरि उभिएर मेरो सारा शरिरको भार थाम्छ… तैपनि बस्न कुर्सी खोज्दैन। काठमाडौँ जाँदा लगाएको रातो नेलपोलिस अझै पनि अपरिचित महादेश को नक्सा बनाइ बुढी औलामा तासिरहेछ… बाकि औँलाका महादेश चाँहि बिलाएछन् शायद। जाडो महिना भएकोले बिर्सिन्छु कि नङ् रिमुभरले सफा गर्ने बेला भो… आजकल त गर्मी महिनामा चप्पल लगाँउदा नि मतलब हुन्न, गाँउमा केहि फरक पर्दैन भन्ने सोच्छु। अनि शहर पुगे पछि मेरो ध्यान त्यतातिर कहिल्यै पुग्दैन… शहर पुगेपछि त झनै फुर्सद हुन्न मेरा खुट्टाहरुलाई अनि also “I’ve better things to do” जस्तो लाग्छ।

गाँउमा पहिलो पल्ट आँउदा धेरै माया पाँउथ्यो मेरा खुट्टाहरुले। ट्रेकिङ शुज् नभए नि स्पोर्टस् शुज् पाराको टुना भएको जुत्ता लगाँउथे उकालो ओरालो गर्न, तर अहिले त चप्पलमै हिँडिदिन्छु। लाग्छ I am getting too local. पहिलो पल्ट त खुट्टालाई १० मिनेट जति आराम दिन्थे तर अहिले त लम्किन्छु एकछिन नि अाराम नगरी। काठमाडौँमा पुल्पुलाएर राखेका मेरा खुट्टाहरुले कहिल्यै नि complain भन्ने गरेनन्। शहरमा हुँदा फेरी फेरी जुत्ता पाँउथ्यो… कहिेले converse त कहिले ballerina shoes… सकेसम्म त खुट्टालाई fancy नै राख्थेँ। अहिले गाँउमा आएर छ महिने गर्मी याम मा त्यही bataको स्यान्डल र aerosoft मै बितायो बिचराले; झन यो जाडो याममा त त्यही एउटा “aunty shoes” मै चित्त बुझाइरहेछ केही complain नगरी।

त्यति सारो हिंडेर पनि नडुब्लाएको मेरो ज्युलाई त्यो रातो चिप्लो माटोमा पनि सम्हाल्न सक्ने मेरा खुट्टाहरु आफ्नो परवाह नगरी मलाई बचाइरहे। हिलो चिप्लो बाटोमा आफु मड्केला भनेर कहिल्यै पनि सोचेन। बरु आफै होसियार भएर मलाई घर र स्कुल लादैँ बस्यो। भोकले खुट्टा काँपे, तैपनि काठमाडौँ जाने मेरो रहर संगै दगुर्थ्यो मेरा खुट्टाहरू। कतै गाडी छुट्टेला कि भनेर shortcutका ती सांगुरा बाटाहरु दगुद्‌दै मेरा खुट्टाहरू। Luckily पाएको गाडीको handle समात्यो मेरो हातले तर संगसंगै फसाँउथ्यो मेरा खुट्टाहरुलाई। लौ, बस त प्याक् पो रैछ। हातले बसको रेलिङ् समात्यो र खुट्टाले मेरो भारलाई थाम्थ्यो। साथै तीन किलोको केराको भारी ब्याग्।

गाँउमा आएर मेरो खुट्टाले केही complain नगरेको देख्दा आफै अचम्म लाग्छ। मेरो मस्तिष्क, मेरो मुटु, मेरो पेटहरु म गाँउ धेरै बसेको रुचाँउदैनन् शायद… कहिले घरको याद त कहिले कस्को… कहिले gastric त कहिले के… एक हप्ताको म्याद नाग्ने बित्तिकै symptomsहरु देखाउन थाल्छन्। तर मेरा खुट्टाहरू कहिल्यै थाक्दैनन्। सेतोपाटी र कालोपाटी अगाडि उभिन खुब मनलाग्दो रहेछ मेरा खुट्टाहरुलाई। विद्यार्थीहरुले हात उठाँउदा मलाई उनीहरु नजिक सम्म लगिदिन पाँउदा ज्यादै हर्षित हुँदो रहेछ उसलाई।

He sits(rarely that is as I always see him standing) at end of the first bench, few feet away from the giant black board. I remember my teachers asking us to not roll up our sleeves but for him I say “khet jana lako ho?” and remind him not to roll the length of his blue pants. His light blue shirt is almost too small for him, not appropriate to tuck in. His face, he has this smile on his face that shows off his zigzag stained white teeth. The boy is just precious.

thats dawa smiling… 🙂

I was there in the class, I didn’t teach. I was bored doing nothing so I just sneaked into Grade Six where my co-fellow was teaching. He was teaching the kids passive and active sentences I guess; I was not paying attention to the topic as few of the boys just had me hypnotised. They had so much energy in them, as if they were high on energy drinks.

If you ignore the two shades of blue they are wearing and picture adults instead of kids, the scene would look like that of a stock market – stock brokers and buyers screaming. It is so nerve pleasing to sit on the last bench and see these students shout answers at the teacher; each of them trying to overshadow other’s voice, each wanting to be heard FIRST.

Now, getting back to the previous scene i was narrating; everytime the teacher asked for an answer, he would just stand up and shout the answer at the top of his lungs. He managed to write down the answer and keep up with the teacher and stand up at the same time. Not only would he stand up but also he had his hands raised, his arms making obtuse angle with his body. While answering, his little hands with his pen held tightly would almost poke the teacher’s eye if he was not wearing glasses (Sorry, I am exaggerating but he was so energetic).

The teacher asked him to write down the answer on the board (may be he got scared of the poking thing). The kid just lit up. He stepped on the support and started writing the answer. I just clicked! Then I was so proud of myself with the moment I had captured – he holding the blackboard which made him look so small.

If you find yourself in this amazing class, you will not be able to not smile. They not just answer one time but they will go like an echo, repeating. For example, if the teacher asks if the statements are true or false, they will go “True true true”… fill in the blanks with a,an, the; they will be “a a a” “the the the”.

Every class I stay to watch them, I find peace in those loud voices. My confusions, my doubts, everything gets drowned in that noise. I smile at their innocence, feel warm at my heart seeing them happy and together making noises.

Remember those last few minutes when you are inside the exam hall and all the answers flood into your brain and you try so hard to get them on your exam papers. You are at the moment, stressing your palm to slide fast through the papers and focusing all your energy on your fingers to make your pen scribble as much as it can (or a bit more than it actually can); then there comes your teacher standing next to you, asking you to hand out the papers RIGHT THEN but you just won’t. You lose all your senses especially hearing ,then your teacher snatches your paper. You curse silently and rest your pen , then you turn your head around to examine your friends. You then shout “Miss! The people at last benches are still writing their answers.This is so not fair. Why do you always collect papers from the first benches.”

I always used to feel my teacher was being unfair to me then; now that I am the person collecting and snatching those exam sheets, I feel the pressure my teacher must have then. I get the same complaints in every tests I take. I feel like shouting at the class and say-“I don’t have 40 hands to collect the papers at same time.”
This is one of those countless moments that make me think of my teachers now that I am standing in their shoe (not literally though). Ah! and my favorite is that flower giving part.I remember going to school with freshly picked bunch of flowers and giving it to my favorite teachers( trying to make a beautiful bunch with all that flowers and leaves). Now, little kids come up to you and gift you those little bunches of flower .I feel so nervous and awhed at the same time; mostly I wonder how my teachers must have felt when little me handed them flowers.

Whenever miss wore a new kurta or changed the side of partition of her hair or even when she shortens her hair by uno centimeter , we would notice that and then exchange glances with our friends sitting across the room and then later talk about it. I should have known this was coming back to me; students specially girls would just notice each and every details. I make a hair bun after I get my hair short so that the students won’t notice but then my hair do would fail to conceal that. They would just know! They will not only merely observe you but also come and talk to you about how great you look with your gajal and pearl earrings. One of my friend shared how the students were even copying the looks.

I so remember me starring at the face of my teacher as if I was attentive and thought I was being cunning but now you can tell by the look of their face that the curtains in their ears have fallen down and their eyes are automated to look and not see. Thinking about this now makes me feel stupid for being so confident then on believing to have fooled my teachers.

When I was a student I would get into panic mode as soon as friends started counting days in their hand for exams to come. Then I would think “aba sir/miss lai ananda hune din aye…padhauna ni pardaina, revision matra huncha ani exam ko din ma ta class ni hudaina.” Little did I realize how much pressure the teacher has to be in during exams, worrying about student’s performance. Then comes the paper checking part; I feel so sorry for my teachers for complaining they didn’t get our papers checked sooner than they did. When my teacher would get the total makings on paper wrong even by few marks while they grade our papers i used to think how dumb and careless he is to get simple addition wrong but now I know; checking the papers and then adding those numbers you tend to make few mistakes and miss out marks hiding on corners of the paper.After all teachers are not a calculator,even calculators make errors.

Every other person tells me how it is necessary for you to be a teacher once in your life. Now, I have been realizing why they said so. Being a teacher , I am not just living the life my teacher lived but also I am learning what she must have learned then. Most important things that I have learned is to be observant , be in other person’s shoe and think.

One thing that tops everything about living a teacher’s life is that feeling of pride when your students excell or even when they show that they are trying. They would just draw a cow that looks more like a dog or a giant flower growing near the house with huge pumkins on the roof but to see that intense dedicated look on their faces as if they were creating a masterpiece just soothes your heart and bring that faint smile back to your tired face.Then a thought comes to my mind “Did my teacher also feel this way?”

“How about tracing the leaves instead of drawing?” “Yesssss”

She said” i don’t know how to draw at all.” I asked her to just draw what she could make and then color. She was proud of how the picture turned out to be with those bright happy colors.

Everyone believes that I am teaching kids in the village and helping them out but from where I stand, it is just the opposite.These kids teach me so many stuffs without the intelligent curriculum or confusing lesson plans.They have not mastered in any language but correct me every time I get wrong.

I teach them Science and my goal is to make them curious but they are the ones that make me wonder. On the way to school, they plug a green leaf from a bush; then they break down the stalk carefully making a loop out of the stalk skin and then blow out beautiful bubbles. It was my job to fascinate them with all the cool tricks and experiment but they beat me in this. I always get fascinated when many colors sparkle in those bubbles.

I ask them “makai kailey ropney?” and they will give me that look and reply “miss, makai ropdaina k makai charcha…dhan ani kodo matra ropcha…makai ,tori chai charcha”. I never gave thought on this.

I stress out my brain thinking about the ideas to motivate my students but turns out they are the fuels that help me drive. I was teaching Grade 7 and 9 chapters on Simple Machine. I wanted a model of pulley to demonstrate in grade 7. I asked grade 9 if they had made the model in their previous classes. They replied “chaina!”. Next day I enter grade 9 and then what I saw hanging on the wall nearly made me cry.There was this wooden model of pulley. Upendra had made the pulley; it was like getting the best birthday gift ever. He had used bamboo and wood to make the model.

There is this topic in Chemistry which I dreaded so much as I had never understood that when I was a student. I begin scribbling in the whiteboard with the marker that I held in my nervous hand. All I knew was the question and the answer but not how to make the kids understand “Why?”.I was praying they don’t catch me being nervous; as I started writing this and that in the board suddenly those words I jotted started making sense to me. By the time I reached the frame of white board I had explained “Why”; while explaining them answer even I understood the reasons. Then I said “timi haru lai bujhauda bujhaudai mailey ni bujhey”. (I know it was not the right thing to say but I was so happy and excited that the answer finally made sense after all those years. I had mugged up the answer when I was student; knowing the reason was not less that revealing a grand secret).

Being a teacher I am practically supposed to teach but now that I am playing the role of a teacher, I have never been so much of a student. I learn. I grow. I know!

It was unnecessary and foolish and definitely stupid! (yaya foolish and stupid direct to similar meaning but it was needed to use the words …you will know why)

I went back to melamchi with my friend. It had been so long(almost a month) I stayed back at ktm and busied by nothing and everything; so I decided to go back to village for few days. The almost three hours bus ride seemed like forever but I loved this ride…I got the window seat so I could see everything outside the window as if I was the first time I saw the scenes and be mesmerized. It never occurred to me while I was in grade -I don’t remember which that I started writing “hariyo baan Nepal ko dhan” and didn’t think how many trees there must be in Nepal to be thattttt rich (ofcourse just for the natural resources that is).At that time, I never even imagined the number of trees nor the tree itself…but I remember there was a black and white picture of forest in the beginning of the chapter. Now, all I see is green trees piercing the ground and erupting from every place.

I thought I was having holidays in ktm but the days made me tired and exhausted so much I wanted to cry. I just wanted to do nothing and wala! I got to do nothing at melamchi. I watched three movies, read “the fault in our stars” , took nap whenever I felt like taking one, didn’t bother getting up on my feet for all day. I was so happy to be lazy like that. The next day I decided to go back to my village early in the morning but I guess I was too much in holiday mood that my body took the liberty of sleeping extra few hours and woke up at 8. There was no way I was walking right away; so, I had my lunch ,observed the classes my friends were teaching and then gradually went to bus park to catch my ride.

Well, this is where me being crazy part start(actually it starts from the moment I decide to go back to my village without any purpose). So, I reached Sindhukhola at around 12:30pm … one hour uphill walk was waiting ahead of me. I opened my umbrella, forgot to take a deep breathe and began my stupid journey.Well, actually truth to be told I had purpose for this stupid walk. I wanted to be in the village and feel the village and just be there as me.you know how school feels different and free when you go school on holidays with no classes; if you know that feeling that was exactly what I had in my mind. I simply just wanted to be there.

The hot sun must have in its jolly mood that it was throwing some extra hotness.I reached halfway when I wanted to just turn around and quit my idea of “just being in the village”. I looked at the hot sun and instead saw this beautiful clean stroke of blue in the sky and that made me smile. All the way was dipped in green colour…it was all pleasant except the stone road which was heated like hell.i know it sounds disgusting but only if one would collect all the sweat on the way and apply the method of evaporation, there would atleast be a bowl of salt or not. . After almost an hour, I reached the village…I felt like I was placed in some zombie zone with no one to be seen. The whole village was empty except the gai bhaisi bakhra and tall corn fields everywhere.

After few minutes I reached to one of my student’s home and rested there. There were few kids playing around; among them two little may be three year old kids just blew my mind.They were super cute, they wanted to come along with me so I said “jau ramro bhayera auu”.so this kid hurries herself to a tap and washes her face and comes back with “miss,lamro bhayo?” and then the other kid also runs saying “ma ni lamro bhayera auchu”. I asked them abcd… and here is what I get “A B C D thul dd…E F G H kacho pyaj…I J K L marya shyal…M N O P bajey ko topi… Q R S T palastic … U V W X Y Z khaireni ma gate. I was like “WOW!”.

I got to introduce myself to few of the parents and it was just great. On the way back I met few kids and just to see them smile was totally worth it. I just wanted to go hug each of them but I didn’t . On the way back one of the parent called me for tea (it was the first chiya with her or any one else in the village)The tea was supergood , I could tell it without even drinking cause it had all the oil floating,which means sudha dudh le banayeko chiya. I was jumping inside my heart like a kid but acting all grownup and miss from the outside.

Couple of days back I had seen Anup in my dream, I saw him and first thing I say was “asti timi lai sapana ma dekheko, kati saro dukha deko thiyou badmass bhayera.” He had really scared in my dream acting all rebel and turning bad. “sapana ma ho ni sachai ta hoina ni!”-he answered with that amazing wide smile of his which gives his face 3/4 wrinkles around his smile.

I met Sudha and asked her “kata jana lako?”. I heard “gadyaula tipna jana lako.” “K garna?”was my quick response and she said “bechna!”. “Huh???mall ma rakhna ?”I asked. “hoina”…after a quick thought I said “GO-L-VEDA? Eh eh golveda bhana na ta.” She replied “aghi nai maile tei ta bhaneko ni.”

Then I met deependra, rajaram(whom I failed to recognize with short hair) playing in the field. I was all in “Namaste”mode. Remember how zombies and vampires come out after sunset, just like that the silent village was starting to feel alive now. People were out of their hiding places and I could see whole bunch of villagers.

I climbed downhill with all the light memories, special as well as much needed to me.