I bet you know “that” feeling when you enter the wrong exam hall; you walk through all those benches to search your seat, your eyes fixed on those 3 / 4 digits of roll numbers with your mind set on your own roll number. You start worrying and get restless not to find your place. (You must be wondering where I am going to with these entire exam rooms n roll numbers. Well, I will tell you about it shortly.) Alright! Without further ado I will get to the point. This morning while I was playing with Shel , suddenly a thought crossed my mind. All these times i have had so many heartbreaks and complicated relationships, I did the same mistakes again n again never amending my ways (You know that story of spider right? Bachha bela padhya thyou ni, the spider who tries again and again to climb the wall even though he falls numerous times. Well, I took that lesson a bit too seriously hola, that’s why I never give up hope of finding my happy ending whether that guy be my mr.right or mr.left :P).

I reached to a conclusion on what I have been doing wrong; all I did was search my seat at the wrong exam hall and blamed myself for not finding my seat! Need I explain more??? 😛 Its like i have been searching Rapunzel in Cinderella ko story… Amir Khan in Dabang… all in all, the moral of the story is i have been searching my place in a wrong story where the cast has already been decided and there is no extra character, not even a guest appearance! Can you believe that?

I won’t give up on us !!! that’s what I have been screaming like a crazy old woman with that torn up straw hat. I have been listening to that song of Jason Mraz like there is no other song ever recorded.I repeat it words after words so as to make my heart and mind memorize it… May be its only because I want myself to believe in what no one else believes to be true, not even you. Sometimes even I lose my tightly held hope, the words sometimes slip and I fail to say them properly ;so I guess I can’t possibly blame anyone or you for not believing in what I treasure the most when even I doubt myself now and then.

It may sound silly but I love the route from Ratnapark to Kumaripati, the best part would start after the gaadi crosses thapathali ko bridge. As soon as Kupondole, the avenue of boutique begins my head along with my eye gets all alert. Just like a kid in a candy store gets all dazzled by the bright color candies and chocolate bars, I get all excited to see those displays in the boutiques. The slim figured mannequins look drop dead gorgeous in those amazing designs- heavily embroidered sarees with lots of detailed work, plain sarees with graphical prints, beautiful kurthas with floor sweeping length and the stones that shine bright like diamonds are just too hard not to notice.

That three minutes drive in that street makes my head turn left to right and again back to left as I scan all those sarees and kurthas in both side(I try not to skip any of the stores). My friend used to drive real slow when we reached Kupondole so that I could get enough time to admire those designs.(that was a plain but a really sweet gesture :P). My head that acts like a bubble head gets all alert when the gadi reaches Kupondole height, many of you must have understood why.Yes! there comes the magnificient boutique of all times, the Odhani. Girl! They have the most precious pieces of clothes stitched together with all those blings and dazzles delivering a real piece of beauty.(Sometimes even color of those dresses make me drool and envy the dummy wearing it :P) I am sorry but I am not favouring the single store. Since last few months, other stores have popped up in the boutique hub with stunning designs but none does lure as much as this particular store.

Usually, every one turns their head to get a glimpse of the store unconsciously.I want to share an incident that really surprised me.Few days back I along with my few new friends were getting back home through the same route.And just as we passed Odhani, one of my friend says”Woooowwwwww…. Kasto ramro…” and I smile assuring myself every one admires those dummies. I was looking at new designs on display when she completes her sentence with “tyo store ma kasto ramro jhumaar… awhhhhhhhh”. I was like “What???” I have been spying at the store since the day it was there but never did I notice that crystal light balls and there she was ignoring what she was supposed to see and surprise me. I was like “Girl, are you for real?”.

Ah! and there is one other thing that always come across my mind when I pass through that road; I wonder where would people park their vehicles if one had to go to one of the boutiques. And there are other things to see except those boutiques; the colorful graffiti arts covering whole wall is one thing I never fail to miss along with the handicraft stores; Dhukuti,Mahaguthi and others.I love the occasional festive displays Dhukuti put up just like the white Christmas on one side and blue Christmas on the other that they had for this Christmas.

Whenever I look at all these shops with only clear glasses covering itself caging those lifeless models flaunting the best dresses of the store, my heart flutters a bit and my eyes get all greedy!!!

Well, this is the summary of my “today”. My friend (she asked me not to disclose her name) asked me to go along with her and help her shop. She wanted to buy a winter jacket and a boot; let me tell you she had no whatsoever idea on what she really wanted to buy, all she said was she would know when she would see, thereby not giving me any clue what to look for.Then we started our shopping scavenger; lucky we (I) were that the jacket was picked soon after we scanned few shops.

My choosy friend finally falls for a brown boot, and then she asks for the price, the price was too high than the boot would have cost. After a few seconds of bargain, the salesgirl marked her price but mybargainqueenfriend was not so willing to pay the amount. Then we left the store and tried few other shop, well wait! We not just tried few other shops but we tried few other malls.(Thank god there are only three of them in Kathmandu).All she did was talk about that brown boot all the way back and forth the malls, we hopped malls to malls and shops to shops. One shopkeeper almost hit my face with shoe while he was trying to sell it.

She was like “tyo chucchi kt lai teti ma diye k janthyo tesko”, she was practically whining like a kid, nagging me all the way. She would ask if it was ok to go back to the same shop and get the boot, then again she would answer herself “NO! That would hurt my ego. I must not go. Ah! Why don’t you go there and buy it for me.” She kept on giving reasons why she should not go back and why she should get that particular shoe. She says “Paila paila mom used to say ek taal pasal ma saman chodera aye pachi kahilei ni farkera nahernu… tara aja ayera esto bho” Finally, after continuous monologues she decided to get back to the same store. We were just about to reach the store when she goes “Damn, I feel like I am gonna give my exams. Should I really go?” Just a few seconds before we were walking together, and just as we were about to step the threshold of the store she walks in a curve,away from the store; I find myself in the store alone. I ask the salesgirl for the boot we previously looked “Dd agi herreko jutta …” (the moment I said that incomplete sentence, I could feel the whole lot of hot blood rush in my face and I felt like I said something that was forbidden). My friend gets back in the store and starts giggling making me hot of shame. I couldn’t even look at the salesgirl; we payed her amount and hurried out of the store.

I really don’t understand why we were so ashamed to get back and get the shoe when we were paying for it and not getting it for free. Whole time I teased my friend that she had now become egoless and that she sold her ego for the boot. I hope the brown boot is worth all the trouble and shame we shared together.

Sometimes I get so tired that I wish to drop my bleeding heart into a plastic bag and tie up with a rope and suffocate it before it makes me feel suffocated and kill me. I want to make it realize that it is hard to feel that feeling like you are drowning in air, hard to take in that easy air.

Also I remember the times it made me feel like it was crushing the inner me into fine minced meat, then I wish to throw it into the grinder and show it how much it hurts. How scary it feels when the blood is being dripped down the floor drop by drop and it becomes all white and pale, feeling void.

Again then, I get bumped into the goodness of my heart. Remember the moments it piled up that made me warm and cozy in lonely grey winter times. How it hums joyful tunes of my favorite songs when I walk alone at the empty street or get lost in the noisy crowd. How it thumps and throbs up and down celebrating my little joys that I collect. And then I realize my heart is what makes me… what makes me different from you and others. My heart is the reason I am feeling the warmth of your voice. So now, I wish to love my heart and make it feel the feeling of being loved!

I kept on listening to same song over and over again but I was not irked by the repeated song… then I realized that I was not paying attention to the single word of the song , even the music was just another sound in backdrop of my thinking act which had been going since the second I woke up this morning. I was so into my thinking that I had my khana too early than usual so that I could relax and think  without any disturbance (otherwise I would have in my mind that I still need to have my lunch and it would disturb my pure process of thinking). If only my stomach would support me I would even have my in between snacks and dinner as well at the same time while I had my lunch so that I could think whole day without any crick to my plan.

I have been highlighting “thinking” too much here and you must be wondering what possibly could be that important that I am so animated to think about that. Well, the thinking event has been organized by “MYBRAIN” in coordination with “MYREDHEART”; the event is basically a workshop and discussion among the designated piece of “MYBRAIN” and “MYREDHEART” in concern of “MEMYSELF”. All I can do is wish well that both the parties come up with a favorable and easy to implement conclusion for “MEMYSELF”.